I did it. It's finally within my hands. All my worries about EMDR are no greatly decreased. I have in my hands the phone numbers of some people who work in EMDR. All I have to do is call them, and find out which one's the cheapest. And I'm still holding my breaths in, but I think it might be relief.

I got my tarrot reading done twice about this whole decision to find out the truth. The first time: basically just to follow through on my plan and then I will succeed. The 2nd time: I will suffer greatly, but at the end there will be light and success. Both tarrot readings have a lot of truth, it's not just mumbo jumbo.

It all comes down to the money. I have a huge chance of being accepted for EMDR if I can pay for my sessions. It's a minor drawback, but I've made it this far. EMDR is no longer just talk, I hold proof in that paper.

Academically, I am not doing marvelously in school. I'm working on it, but I can't find the desire to do my homework. l.o.l. I'm in a lot of different programs that are supposed to help me raise my mark. But it's all up to me.

My writing will have to wait till I'm done school.

This could be it! It's all I ever wanted, all I dreamed about - freedom. I'd give so much up to have it, and it is my right to have it.

It's kind of nice to be selfish actually, that way I don't have to care if I'm disappointed by my friends or family members.It's kind of like a shield, but this time I have the right to be lost in my own little world.

I wonder about justice, love(a different kind of love) and destiny.

As I've already established, I am making plans to confront my problems and find the truth.

This week I am hoping to visit my highschool and confront all the disturbing memories I have of the place. I don't know if it will help, but I can't sleep without trying. Besides anything that lessens my worry is an improvement.

I am so excited! 'The New Quarterly' sent me a letter that they wish me to enter their writing contests. I have one poem I will submit once I re-edit it, and the rest I will write from scratch. This time I won't let go of my writing, I will keep working on it regularly.

This plan of mine, it's something I'm not used to. I'm viewed as being very shy and self-conscious. I'm the one who never commmits to anything big or outside of my own selfish needs. At the same time, I don't want to go into how guilty I feel sometimes. Am I strong enough to go after this myself, without a lot of support, and not really knowing what I'm doing. I will be blind during so much of this process. But the way I look at it; I'm pretty blind and unclear right now. My family will be question me whether this is the right direction to take, but I feel in my blood that this is the only way to ensure my livelihood and come out even better after this adventure.

I'm trying hard to think of it as an adventure - it gives me a bit more confidence.

I've never done one of these before. I don't know why.

I also wanted to echo my friend's fairywolf21's idea to start fresh this year.

I do have basic resolutions, which I will go into later, but the real thought and plan that holds me captive is this: I want to find the truth.

I'm not 100% sure where the truth lies, but I think it's somewhere inside my head. It's been 4 or 5 years and I know now that we are not all made the same. We might start out with the same operating parts, but from there we are always prisoner of a limb or organ. For me, I am prisoner of my mind/brain. It was from my mind that I had recurring visions or hallucinations concerning Christianity.

I want to know: what happened to me? What else did I do in gr.11? How young was I when I developed the fear? What should I do now? Hypnosis is an option. I just don't understand how a year can seem like it was never there.

I also have my ultimate christmas goal of beating my depression.

Maybe the deadline I should be giving myself is to have some of my poetry published by 2011. I don't know what to say when when my friends and family are envious of my talent and passion for writing. It's not so much a gift as a contract: poetry is only mine as long as I write. So I write.

Other resolutions
1. Take a dance class
2. Get in shape
3. Fall in love - sure, I'm open to any miracle
4. Have a high GPA
5. See my faraway friends (Clinton, London, and Seaforth)
6. Read a lot of interesting books (non-school related)
7. See my brother's wedding and my nephew
8. Find a good summer job

This one is also important to me: get over (take a guess). Gr. 10 was forever ago.

Being here, this new life, it doesn't feel real, and it doesn't feel right yet, but I heal myself through writing and love.